Thursday, November 17, 2011

It's that Time of Year Again!

Before I get into how much I love the Holidays (HA! in more than one way) I need to complain.
Don't get me wrong, this fall was beautiful, and I really appreciated not having to go around looking like a marsh-mallow due to the need for layers. But the lack of snow has actually started to make me sad. I wear boots without purpose. The sunny days are nice but also freezing. Snow would make it more fun, prettier and make these last few weeks of school a tiny tad more bearable. Alas, we are snowless. The newly planted sod by Beck hall is still freakishly green.
Ok. Thanksgiving! Love it. And you know how much I love good food. Well Thanksgiving is like a big competition on who can make the best food. Aunty K goes crazy and shows off her dictator skills (in the most lovable way-because she is truly AMAZING). My mother has a few classes of wine and still manages to make the best gravy in the Rocky Mountains- trust me. My Aunty A makes every kind of pie and we always seem run out. One of my other Aunt makes some truly fantastic Zucchini casserole. I swear she was the one who made me fall in love with the vegetable. EVERYTHING is homemade and wonderful. Mashed potatoes, sweet-potato fries, salad (with homemade dressing), shrimp cocktails, asparagus. If you don't gain at least 3 pounds then you are a freak. Just sayin'
We go through crates of wine, we discuss politics, religion and family. Its awesome.
But then there are two little questions that always make me cringe. But never fear, I have come up with some witty retorts to shut up the inquisition.
"So, do you have a boyfriend?"
(the answer is always no, and they know this... perhaps thats why this question is so obnoxious).
My witty retorts:
"I'm actually experimenting with my sexuality right now" or other variations, "I'm bi-curious these days"
"Oh, well, you know college kids these days...." trail off and then pretend to be thoroughly interested in something across the room. Keeping things vague might keep them asking questions (hence the exit strategy, but most of the times they will revert to their stereotypical conceptions of dirty college kids and not really care to know more).
"no. I have 2. They sure are a handful!" Then laugh awkwardly, then sigh, smile and look off into the distance like you are fondly thinking of your 2 bfs.
"yes. His name is Muhammad" If you can wear a hijab, it makes this answer more convincing and probably lead to a highly interesting discussion. (and please note I do not wish to insult anyone's religion or culture- we're all friends here)
"No! HE DUMPED ME, and now I will be eating for two!" Then start to cry and ask if they will take care of you and your illegitimate child. Hysterics are a major necessity or no one will believe you.
If you are a really good liar then I would just save the embarrassment of it all and say that yes you do, indeed, have a boyfriend. "Why yes! he is captain of the soccer team, a biology major and he goes to chapel everyday! HE'S PERFECT." (of course he is totally fictional but thats just a worthless detail)
I am actually just hoping that everyone in my family will be more interested in my brother's real life, totally non-fictional, perfect girlfriend to be remotely interested in my relationship status.

Ok now the other dreaded question. What do you plan on doing after college? or the more personal one for me, "What are you going to do with a degree in History?"
Back when I was an English major, my witty response was that I was going to be English. I then proceeded to talk in an English accent. Apparently I was the only one to find it funny.
Last year I just told everyone I was going thinking about Law School. This seriously shocked my parents and left me with too many more questions.
"Richardton Abby just had a novice position open, so I think I am going to try out the Nun thing for a while" (I am not really catholic so this may backfire)
"I think I am going to go on tour, I'm pretty good, so I think I have a decent chance of winning on the LPGA" This one goes well with the bi-curious answer above. Plus no one besides my dad know how good the women on the LPGA are.... and everyone mistakes me for some golf genius. Neato.
"I plan on volunteering in the Congo, you know build up my immunity to malaria"
This one doesn't make any sense so if you can throw in a dazed or insane look it might help.
"Dog training school, yeah there are some great opportunities and I really connect with animals" Make sure your father is not around and if he is at least make sure he is not munching on a nut or something. I DO NOT RECOMMEND this if your father has any sort of heart condition.
I realize that lying can be frowned upon, so you might just have to brave the disappointed looks and dodge some expressions of pity, and tell the truth.
"No I do not have a boyfriend. I am a loner and eventually be the cat lady" and "I will be living at home with my parents and working at TGI-Fridays, washing dishes"

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